*Disclaimer and Forewarning*
The following post contains real feelings from a real person. It talks about one of the more sensitive topics a woman can talk about, her weight. It may also contain some harsh truths that are not for the feint of heart. If you by chance do read the post, and feel you need to be rude. Go for it I don't care, if it's making you feel better about yourself anonymously then that is your deal. Heck I think it may be even therapy for some people. If you do have nice comments please feel free to share them too. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. :)
I'm a skinny girl trapped in an over weight body. When I was a child I was thin, when I was a tween I was thin, even when I was in high school I was thin. Then college came, nothing really changed about my diet, heck I think I even probably ate a little better since I was living on my own (still not the greatest diet but not that bad either). When I started college my weight was somewhere around 130, I loved it! I was healthy I had some meat on my bones (I think I was a little too thin when I was in high school so a little weight actually helped). Then a few months shortly after I started birth control I gained more weight. At that point I was at 140, still I didn't think of it as anything too bad. In fact it helped to make me a little bit more proportional, but it kept adding up. Year after year.. flash forward to 4 1/2 years later after starting college I now weight in around 190. I always thought my biggest fear was being alone but after gaining 60 pounds in 4 and half years I realized my biggest fear is becoming fat.
I feel "fat" is a harsh term something that is constantly being thrown around, especially in the world of a 20 something american woman who is supposed to live up to the ideal images she sees on the cover of magazines. It's the truth though I am becoming what I now know what I fear the most "fat". Now people won't say to my face but I can see the way people look, now granted I wear my "fat" well and know how to dress for my current size... but I don't want that. I'm not a vane woman I just want the body I remember, I want it back. (On a completely side note I really hate that your computer stores cookies and then you forget to delete them so then when you are on facebook you see all these "Fast way to lose Fat" sights pop up in every single advertisement that comes across your screen... it is really annoying and really irritating because there is no fast safe way to become thin!)
Ok so that really wasn't a side note but more a rant that related to what I was talking about. I see commercials promoting a healthy state of mind when it comes to your size ( No body shaming.. which is not what I am doing here I am just being honest about what is going on in my head), but this is not me...the me I know the one my heart knows is still 140 ( yes that is my eventual goal any less and I feel I won't feel healthy). I need to find something that will help me get motivated.
I think the first step towards getting "me" back is already happening.. the admitting part right now right here. Even my boyfriend says he has noticed the change ( He was not a jerk about it, he is an honest man and I love that quality about him, though I will admit when he first brought up the subject of me gaining weight I was very sensitive about it... still am but I think less so I really don't know what's changed.)
I have a problem.. a food problem. I have this issue where I sometimes 1) Forget to eat which leads to 2) Binge eating because my body has gone into starvation. (I binge eat but don't throw it up... I'm not bulimic.. not that the idea hasn't crossed my mind before I just could never go through with it. Nor am I anorexic I love food too much.. I just get busy and forget to eat.) This has become a bad habit of mine, also case in point I already said it but I love food. I love cooking it, I love baking it, I love the smell of it (should have been a chef) but since I have discovered that I am getting fat.. food has lost its appeal and that makes me sad. I'm tired of thinking about how many calories I am consuming on a daily basis, but its something I must do.
Why can't you just exercise like everyone else.. force yourself to do it? I have tried.. but I make excuses.. for example " OH I'm too tired to workout I will workout tomorrow." or "I will go the next day when I have time." I have a free membership to a gym I really have no excuse that I have no where to work out. The truth is I make up these excuses is because I'm embarrassed.. embarrassed that I have let myself get to this point, embarrassed that I don't have the motivation that everyone else in my life seems to have to get fit. Another reason I keep making is excuses is fear. I fear that the weight will never come off! I fear that if it doesn't come off I can never be happy. I fear that people will look down on me for being a bigger woman. I fear that I will lose my boyfriend if I don't lose the weight ( though he swears up and down that won't happen). I fear having children because I fear the weight that is brought on through child bearing. I fear never being able to feel like me and not a thinner me trapped in a fat suit. To some this post may be a harsh truth, to some this post may be a kind of eye opener into the world they may be falling into. This post may be the talk of the internet ( though I seriously doubt that). This post may help someone who is going through the same thing as me... they may have the same feelings I am feeling. To be honest I wasn't sure I was going to write this, even after starting to write it I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this. This is me being real, and it feels good. This is me not being afraid anymore of my body. It's time I start taking it back.
My next step now that I have admitted I have a "fat" problem, is to find ways of still being me but to get the healthier happier thinner me back.
